An Open Letter to Mr. Abibe Yala

posted by jack at 03:48 CET in / humor

This "nigeria letter" (aka advance fee fraud) arrived in my inbox today:

From Mr. Abibe Yala

Dear Friend,

Very Urgent & Confidential

I know you do not know me before, I am Mr. Abibe Yala, younger brother to Mr. Kumba Yala the Ex-President of Guinea-Bissau. I got your contact information during my private search for a reliable and trustworthy person to carry out this urgent transaction with.

In view of the political crisis happening in my country today, I discovered that my brother Mr. Kumba is just trying to impose himself as a leader on his people who are not proud and satisfied with his past administration.

My brother sent me on a mission to South Africa to purchase fire arms which he intend to use in fighting a political war against his opponent so he can become the President again. I am not in support of his intensions but I do not have any other options than to do what he asked me. He provided the sum of US$22,100,000.00 (Twenty Two Million, One Hundred Thousand United States Dollars), which we brought into South Africa through diplomatic means. On getting to South Africa, I found out that the person (Mr. Jacob Zuma Ex- Vice President of South Africa) whom he instructed me to meet for the operation was under government probation for related crime and never want to get himself involved in such deals anymore. Since I have never been in support of my brother's intentions, I made up my mind never to go back to my country (Guinea-Bissau). I want to relocate immediately to a better country especially in the Europe or Asia, where I can have good investment with this money since I cannot stay here in Africa.

My reason of contacting you is that, I want you to support me as my foreign partner to move the funds and myself out of Africa as soon as possible. Presently, the funds are deposited as consignment with a depository company in Johannesburg South Africa for safekeeping. Why I am presently residing in West Africa for security reasons. I am willing to offer you 40% of the whole money for the inconveniences this will cost you and for your support in this transaction, while the remaining 60% will be for me to setup a profitable investment in your country through your guidance and directions.

As a matter of urgency, please do let me know if you can assist me in handling this transaction and the investment involve.

I anticipate your quick response.

Best Regards. Mr. Abibe Yala

The funny thing about this is how the story he tells to gain our sympathies is basically about how he wants to steal his brother's money and move to Europe. (See the bold bits above) Nice guy! Here's my response:

OK, I'm not stupid, I recognize a so-called "Nigeria letter" when I see one. You're obviously a con-man, and if that's what works for you, fine. I just hope you don't hurt anybody.

But anyway: You really need to work on your story. The way you describe it, it sounds like you're basically trying to steal $22 million from your brother. It makes you sound like a thief. Even with the part about your brother trying to become a dictator, etc. He's supposed to be your BROTHER for god's sake. He TRUSTED you with the money, right? And you respond with BETRAYAL? No one will sympathize with you about that.

Instead, you need to first make it seem that HE betrayed YOU. Say that your brother decided to kill you, and you're fleeing from his paramilitary death squads. Then maybe someone will say, "Wow, that poor Mr Yala, he needs my help". With the story you sent me, anyone too stupid too realize you're a con-man will probably just think, "This Abibe seems like a real asshole, trying to steal his brother's money".

--
// jack
// http://www.nuthole.com

pythong

posted by jack at 13:43 CET in / humor

I think I can safely call myself a "python programmer". And a "touch typist". And a "good speller". And yet, hardly a day goes by that I don't mistype "python" as "pythong". I nearly did it while typing that sentence. I don't know why, it's just the way it is. At least I can console myself with the knowledge that I'm not alone.

Now I've decided to capitalize on this shortcoming with a novelty product that will surely make me rich. Behold, the PyThong!!!

Please buy several for yourself and everyone you know. Christmas is just around the corner! Who wouldn't want a PyThong in their stocking?! This is also, of course, the perfect attire for the next pycon or EuroPython conference.

three cheers for the curmudgeon!

posted by jack at 22:22 CET in / humor

As a child, I was often puzzled by the existence of some really lame comic strips in the newspapers. I could not for the life of me imagine why anyone would want to read strips like Gil Thorp, Rex Morgan M.D., or Mary Worth. Compared to the comics I loved best at the time, such as Bloom County and (yes, I'm man enough to admit it) Garfield, these print versions of soap operas just seemed completely useless.

Now I know the ultimate purpose of these comics: to be bitterly, hilariously mocked by The Comics Curmudgeon. This site not only pokes fun at the soap-opera-style comics mentioned above, it also highlights foolishness in Mark Trail, timeless stereotypes in Crock, and fearful grandparenting in Gasoline Alley. Go get your Josh on.

cypher → arrr arrr arrr

posted by jack at 12:51 CET in / humor / funny_swedish

Often, non-Swedish movies are given new Swedish titles for the Swedish market, e.g. The Hulk becomes Hulken. This choice is made by whoever acquires the rights for distributing the film in Sweden.

Sometimes, however, movies are given new titles that are, at best, inexplicable, and, at worst, unintentionally hilarious. Some of the worst of these occur when a movie with an English title gets a new title which is—get this—another English title.

Case in point: A week or two ago, I noticed a movie in the Swedish TV schedule that looked interesting. Its original title is Cypher, which is of course just an odd misspelling of the word "cipher".

Now, Swedish has a perfectly good word for "cipher", that could be used to translate this film title for Swedes who may not know the word "cipher": The word is "chiffer". The distributer could have chosen to call the movie Chiffer or some artificial misspelling like Skiffer or Chyffer, whatever, to emulate the original. But they made a different choice. They chose to call the movie Brainstorm.

Don't get me wrong, "Brainstorm" is a perfectly good name for a movie. I quite liked the 1983 movie with that name, starring Christopher Walken, when I was a kid. But that's just it; If you're going to rename a movie to suit the local language, why choose a new name that (A) is not in the local language, (B) has already been used by no less than two other feature films, and (C) bears no relation to the original title! Why, oh silly film distributor, why???!?!

I am .mpg

posted by jack at 06:49 CET in / humor

According to this quiz:

Which File Extension are You?

Well, that certainly beats being a .inf or a .bak, that's for sure.

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